I’ve given a few speeches and talks, it makes me tremble in fear

Have you ever performed on stage or given a speech?

Why you ask? When I was a teenager of 15 and incredibly shy and self-conscious, I needed to give a talk in school.

I was so used to being laughed at and ridiculed in many subtle and not so subtle ways at home that I was scared of standing out, being put on the spot and being judged and analysed, inevitably found to be wanting. For me, being in front of the class  felt like being analysed and judged harshly. It felt like a way to commit psychic suicide.

So during my talk I froze up. It was like my mouth was filled up with peanut butter, the muscles in my jaw were unmoveable and my legs were trembling. The ground was a swirling and unstable morass of mud threatening to consume me. I felt the cascading waves of embarrassment go to my face I could feel the red of blood go to my skin.

The teacher said to me: “Speak!! What the hell is wrong with you?! Stop wasting everyone’s time”. This admonishment further added to my frozen pose. My peers sniggered and chortled, looked away.

I grabbed my bag and ran away, to the park, to the supermarket, the beach, away. It felt great to run and escape. I really never stopped running after that. The act of train travel and feeling the rumble of the carriage underneath of me, lulling me and carrying me on to places, felt like a loving gift from life. I became obsessed with travel after that. It was like seeking gold at the end of a rainbow that was unattainable, until I had money, independence and the maturity to travel as an adult, I simply had to imagine the places I would go, and doing so carried me through and made it easier to cope.

Fast forward 20 years and I’m in a senior role, doing design and marketing, campaigning and activism. I’m still terrified of the “ruthless crowd” AKA the audience. But reading plenty of books, having a lot of different life experiences and seeing different experts for advice made me finally see the crowd in a different way.

As wounded, insecure, turbulent heaving sacks of mortal meat who will one day expire and turn to dust just like I will. Sometimes wonderful and sparkling, sometimes deeply depressed. Sometimes vicious and dangerous, sometimes amiable and empathic. Sometimes full of ego and violent will to power. Sometimes humble and unassuming. Just completely random, completely chaotic but no better or more wise than I am. They were and are nothing to be afraid of.

So in 2023 and 2024 when I had to give a series of speeches at animal rights and environmental conferences, I was still trembling but I was much less afraid than when I was 15 and people said they liked the talk. I don’t know if they were being polite to me or really meant it. However, it meant everything to me this encouragement and I held it like a beacon inside of my heart. Each time I give a talk it gets easier and easier.

Afterwards, it’s like the endorphins kick in and the feeling of happiness (lasting for days) is better than any drug I’ve ever tried.

How about you, do you have a love-hate relationship with giving speeches, if so, why?