Red flags: extreme narcissism and self-absorption

What personality trait in people raises a red flag with you?

I should preface this by saying, every single one of us has the tendency to experience the idea that the world encircles us in ever-growing concentric orbits. That we are the central axis of the world, at some stages of our lives.

When I was young I was like that. I lacked anyone instructing me otherwise and instead squirreled away my own take on life in diaries, as though I was the only one who ever existed. It could have also been part of being neurodivergent as well. Being a teenager and being precocious is like that.

I can look back lovingly and with affection at the girl I was then.  Teenagers think they know everything already and understand the entire playbook of human experience.

They are ferociously self-righteous and passionate, a risk to the world, a risk to themselves. They need a lot of guidance and their little emerging lives need nurturing.

Then once you grow a few cm more within a few months, go the next grade up in school, you realise just how little you used to know six months or even two weeks ago. How crazily naive you were just a little while ago.

After this, you get older and learn more about just how complex the world is, you realise that you are not the centre of the world and that nobody owes you anything in life.

This can be a tough lesson to learn, but it’s an important one in growing up and becoming an adult. That quite frankly nobody gives a toss about you.

This is both a lonely and scary realisation and a liberating ad empowering one. As you can then go about creating the life you want and find the things in life that truly make you happy. Regardless and in spite of the feelings and notions of others.

Unfortunately, there are many adults wandering around (who I’m sure many of you may know intimately) who skipped that big lesson in life.

These people – let’s call them the chosen ones labour under the seriously misguided idea that they are the central spoke in the wheel of life. They are the fiery, shining zenith of intelligence and that they are not better known by everyone is an immense miscarriage of justice. A great travesty indeed!

The only real and genuine insights in this world come from them. The moment they open their mouths, the entire world should be struck dumb wih awe at everything they have to say. If people dare to speak or interrupt them, expect to be given a chilling death stare.

These people might be your boss, a work colleague, a parent or even God forbid they could even be your partner. These people like to run households, businesses and even whole countries like transactional chess games where the winner (always them) takes all and others are left to pick up the emotional pieces.

They are often intelligent, but thankfully not as intelligent as they think they are. The observant and emotionally mature person can generally see the chess game in progress and see the mask slipping occasionally. People who are emotionally intelligent are like chalk and cheese to people like that. In general, the narcissist will feel unmasked and threatened while around them.

One thing to know is that a person like this can’t easily change and can’t be reasoned with. The only way is through their own realisation of their mistakes and through honest attempts at understanding themselves. However, given that by nature they can never admit any fault or mistake they have ever made, the chances for them to evolve are extremely slim. Best to avoid these kinds of people in your life or limit contact as much as possible.

Warning signs

1. Dominates all conversations speaking about themselves.

2. Does not show concern for you, or if showing concern it is in a superficial throw away question that does not sound genuine.

3. Does not offer support or help and does not seem sympathetic if something terrible happens to you.

4. If you ask them about why they do certain things or are selfish, this is met with a gaslighting response of being told to not act crazy or be overly sensitive.

5. Will actively and regularly manipulate situations in order to get their own way.

6. Will actively withhold information from you if it suits their agenda.

7. Will treat every interaction like a transaction.

8. Will either throw a tantrum like a spoiled child or become extremely angry if ever called out on their behaviour.

This all sounds extremely negative, I know.  Here’s a beautiful corollary.

There are people out there who genuinely care and who will match your natural empathy and emotional sensitivity with beautiful empathy and sensitivity of their own. Who will give as much back to you as you give to them. Hold onto these people with both hands and keep them safe in your heart. Celebrate and treasure them because they are rare. They are the key to a loving life and a life full of love.