I’m sure you’re familiar with the trend of indecipherable menu items that’s sprung up all over the world recently, right? it’s also known as hipsterising a menu. Suddenly there’s a whole new world of pretentious sounding menu items that you’ve never seen in all of your years prior, living on our planet. Who knew that a charcoal foam, basil jelly and lavender dust is something that you must have with your Sunday eggs and bacon breakfast.
The algorithm: the more obscure sounding the food – the more inherently impressive it is.
I find this glut of ridiculous sounding food names really irritating. And the often times indecipherable menus rendered in their cursive text on blackboards infuriate me, in a subtle ‘first world problem’ kind of way.
Want to know the history of the eggplant on your plate, then ask the luxuriantly bearded waiter – or sorry -barista! my bad, to recount the history of the individual eggplant from seed to field to plate.
The whole OTT spectacle of it makes me want to puke into my mouth a little bit. I suppose it’s a great thing that people care a lot about food and where it comes from. I just find it all a little bit…wanky to be honest.
Enter the Brooklyn Menu Generator which contains culinary darts of displeasure such as:
FINGERLING BISON SPREAD WITH FARM-TO-TABLE EGGPLANT
MINIATURE WATERMELON PANINI WITH FRIGHTENED SEAWEED DISCS
ARTISANAL PEACH & PRESSED SEAWEED
SUNFLOWER & BLISTERED BISON
If you squint hard enough then you should be able to understand the obscure wording. If not when you ask the barista about it, you will get a look of subtle disdain along with the explanation.
Beware of massaged, smashed and distressed things on the menu….I’m sorry. Just. Fuck. Right. Off.
The Life of a Chicken named Colin
Hot tip: If you don’t mind caps-lock swearing combined with funny hipster culture memes on Twitter then @getinthesea is for you.