Poor men often get lost in a mine field of faux-pas on Valentine’s Day. Even if she does seem to have a brilliant sense of humour, the day to test out that hypothesis to its full extent isn’t on Feb 14th with a stupid or lame gift.
1. Gag Gifts
Fake dog shit and fake vomit are always fun when you’re eight and want to throw stuff at spectators from the merry-go-round. Otherwise, leave it alone. If you’re tempted to buy a gag gift, then shift your thinking towards something that oozes style and sophistication. It’s not all that hard (or expensive) to rock your partner’s world.
2. Doormat Gifts
This is the gift that says ‘I don’t give a toss about you, clean up the house now, slave’. Or if you live in New Zealand the refrain would be ‘cook me some f**king eggs, woman!’ That’s a film reference, if you don’t know – it’s from Once Were Warriors, a great film.
Functional gifts such as dust busters and vacuum cleaners, blenders and kitchen crockery are the right way to completely suck the life out of your relationship. So proceed with caution.
3. Hobby Related Gifts
Perhaps your love of model trams and miniature Cornish villages is getting in the way of your love life? Trying to get her interested in model trains or V8 supercars or AFL football or fly fishing is not going to go down well.
4. Reject Shop/Poundland Gift Spree
You can buy a lot of crap in these shops that’s poorly made. She may have been hanging out for an automatic lighter with a Hawaiian woman on it. Likewise, a set of inflatable jousting sticks may go down a treat. However she’s probably not going to lose sleep if you don’t get something for her here.
5. Sorry Gifts
Have you recently cheated on your spouse? Have you said that they were fat or ugly? Have hit them somewhere on their person? Then don’t offer them the lame and insufficient sorry gifts like red roses, or some shitty Cadbury’s chocolates. Instead you should leave them well alone, permanently. Infact, please move to an isolated island in the Indian Ocean.
6. Inappropriate Books
Finally, don’t buy the ‘So You Have Abandonment Issues’ workbook. Or perhaps the ‘Dealing with Bad Breath: The Easy Way’ guide. This may have felt right to you at the time, but it’s a no go.
Things that generally go down well with girls
- Selfless sexual favours
- High quality jewelry
- Experiential gifts like: mystery flights, a day swimming with dolphins, a voucher for a day spa.
- Show you listen to her by buying that book or item of clothing she’s been going on about.
What is the worst gift you have ever received on Valentine’s day?
A. Poetry – ‘the cat, in the hat, sat on the mat’ kind
B. Flowers from somebody’s grave
C. An upcycled or unwanted Christmas present
D. Nothing – I have never received any gift (poor you)
E. Sweets and lollies from the dodgiest stall in the markets
I originally wrote an altered version of this article for eHarmony UK