Put the kettle on and start eating some water crackers with lard on them. Just to get in the mood for this one…
Nincompoop: Is said to come from the Latin legal and medical term Non Compos Mentis meaning ‘not of sound mind’. This evolved into nincompoop meaning a stupid or dumb person.
Flibbertigibbet: A flighty or whimsical person, usually (and in a sexist way) refers to a young woman. Still in use in Yorkshire and refers to a gossipy or overly talkative person.
Fustilugs: A fat, lazy or slovenly person.
Snaggletooth: A low bred woman possessing terrible teeth.
Scalliwag: A rascal child who behaves badly but is more amusing than harmful.
Rampallion: A ruffian or a scoundrel. Created by Shakespeare in Henry IV when Falstaff exclaims ‘Away, you scullion, you rampallion. I’ll tickle your catastrophe’. (So a lot older than your grandpa, but nonetheless amusing).
Muck snipe: A vagrant, degenerate or a person of low morals.
Moldwarp: A Middle English word meaning earth-thrower. Comes from Old Saxon moldwerp.
I hope that you’ve learned a thing or two about how to be a miserable old bastard. Let me know your favourite insults from the olden days…